Stephen and Caroline’s story

I remember, years ago, I went to a car boot sale at Haverthwaite, in aid of St Mary’s Hospice. I had no connection with the Hospice and little idea of what actually went on there. It didn’t occur to me that one day I would come to rely on the care and compassion offered by St Mary’s.

Stephen my partner was one of the healthiest, strongest people I knew, not someone who by the time he was sixty would be unable to walk as a result of secondary cancer. It’s true, you never know ‘what’s ‘round the corner.’ This is not a cautionary tale, intended to make you live in fear. My intention is to convey how St Mary’s helped us both to live as well as we could after Stephen’s diagnosis of terminal cancer in 2014.

Stephen died on March 12th 2020, in keeping with the theme of never knowing ‘what’s ‘round the corner’ I was not prepared for managing the aftermath of Stephen’s death just as a pandemic was declared and the country went into ‘lockdown’. St Mary’s helped Stephen prepare for death, and me prepare for grief. On the day after Stephen died, Linda (from Family Support) rang me and invited me to talk through the hours leading up to Stephen’s death. This was an important conversation for me, I found it reassuring, that I couldn’t have done anymore.

I initially found it difficult to believe that I could keep Stephen with me in my memory. I wanted the pain to go away and imagined the best way for this to happen was to ‘forget’. But I didn’t try to forget, that really would not have been possible, and I’m so thankful for the support (from friends and family) that has enabled me to keep talking about Stephen and share good memories as well as deep sadness.

Following Stephen’s diagnosis of secondary cancer in 2014 we both saw Caroline from the Living Well service for reflexology. I can still remember the feeling of safety and security in the room and how Caroline talked to me about ‘grounding’ myself at a time when I was in freefall. Stephen went on to attend Tai Chi with the Living Well Project and benefitted enormously from this.

Stephen lived as well as he possibly could with cancer for a number of years, defying expectations. It was so hard for both of us but we still shared good times. We also had time to plan, and although we did not want to be in that situation I think it was reassuring for us both to do this. I am so grateful to Stephen for having the courage to do this, it meant that after he died sorting out finances was relatively straightforward. We weren’t married but had both made Wills, simple things like making sure that utilities were in joint names made it so much easier to transfer accounts into just my name.

We had agreed that when the inevitable time came, Stephen would if possible, die at home. I am quite sure that without the help and support from St Mary’s this might not have been possible and I am so grateful for that support.

I always felt that Inpatient and Hospice at Home staff completely understood the complexities, stresses and strains of our situation. They enabled us to express feelings of sadness, grief and despair without trying to ‘fix’ the problem or see it as a sign of weakness. They really did walk alongside us. We also laughed together (and occasionally swore – well I did). I’m not sure I can put into words the relief of being able to express emotions without feeling judged, and being able to laugh without feeling guilty that we were minimising the trauma of the situation.

On occasion when pain management was an acute problem, Inpatient care was an enormous help and relief. Despite the darkness of those days I do have good memories of sitting in the room with Stephen on the Inpatient Unit, doors open, fresh air, light and birdsong.

It’s now 4 years since Stephen died. I continued to have contact with Linda for some time after Stephen’s death. I am still learning to live with grief, and Linda has helped so much with this. I continue to keep Stephen’s memory alive and am so grateful for the support we both received from St Mary’s.