When cancer came to visit
Our first encounter with cancer came in December 1988 when Gillian was sadly diagnosed with Breast Cancer. The shock was devasting to us both, as we only got together three years earlier.
A mastectomy was performed before Christmas 1988 followed by Radiotherapy treatment and reconstruction in the next eighteen months.
Scared and frightened our lives moved on as we came to terms with the dreaded disease. As the years rolled on Gillian and I learnt to cope with a very different life.
We moved about the country and finally ended up in Walney Island in 2004. I started a new job as Head Greenkeeper at Furness Golf Club. The following year moved to a new house
on Church Lane. Gillian’s health has been good apart from arthritis. She has now returned to writing books as she is an author.
Still her health is good apart from the arthritis is on the increase and quite painful in some parts off the her body as we enter 2013. This is the year I’ll never forget!
In late April Gillian see’s her GP with lower back pains, she is sent to Furness General Hospital immediately for examination. Tests and Scans are done on the painful areas, now we await results!
On June 3rd she attends hospital for results in an upbeat mood on her own however she is met by the devasting news off Metastatic Breast Cancer (Cancer in the Bones!). The Cancer is in three places in the spine, top, middle and lower back. There is also signs of cancer in pelvis and ribs! Gillian is stunned by the news, an appointment will be made to see Dr.Skailes in Oncology as soon as possible.
When I come home from work that afternoon Gillian tells me to sit down as she has something to tell me? She reveals she has Bone Cancer in the spine (incurable)! I cannot believe what I’m hearing! We have a hug and tears are flowing from both off us. We sit down and discuss this devasting news and realise our lives are going to change.
I know Gillian is strong, she says we will go through this journey together. There will pain and tears on the way so the battle will start now.
At the same time my mother is in hospital in Inverness going through tests. Forty eight hours later I’m told my mother has Incurable Cancer in Lungs and Pancreas! My world is shattered knowing the two closest people to me have Incurable Cancer which they will not recover from! I am angry and frightened off what lies ahead for both off them.
We go to see Dr. Skailes on June 21st and talk through the treatment road for Gillian. Scans and Radiotherapy are planned as well as other medication to keep cancer stable. Gillian’s Faith will help her on this journey, as for me I carry the worry and baggage in the weeks, months ahead.
Radiotherapy treatment has started and Oncology appointments will be every three months, scans will be as required. Gillian taking pills by the dozen as the pains gradually increase! I am now getting Reiki therapy to help me along. My anger is now going as I come to terms with the cancer that is so brutal to Gillian and my mother.
Sadly my mother passes away in October 2013, heartbroken and grieving I know I’ve got to be strong to look after Gillian. Why is life so Cruel!!! As the months go by my understanding of the disease is getting better however I’m still frightened off what lies ahead?
We now have a new Oncologist looking after us Dr. Williamson. We meet and discuss the plan ahead for Gillian, the cancer is staying stable but pains are still increasing in Gillian’s body! Each day I see some sort off pain etched on Gillian’s face and ask myself is it cancer or arthritis? Why is Gillian being punished? However I’ve learnt that Cancer does not discriminate nor does it have Boundaries.
As the years move on Gillian has other health issues which add to her already overloaded situation, the cancer treatments keeping the disease at bay for now. We are now in 2019 and my father passes away in June so more grief and stress to deal with!
Deep down I’m thinking when will Gillian’s time come? I make a decision with Gillian’s blessing to take early retirement from work to ease the stress I’m under and retire on the 31st December 2019.
As we enter 2020 Covid appears on the scene, we isolate and get vaccinated. I’m determined Gillian will not die from Covid! Our neighbours help by doing any shopping we need. Oncology appointments are by phone now until isolation is lifted. Gillian is getting more fatigued and pains still increasing. There are times you feel so helpless as the journey goes on.
Moving through the next couple off years scans and radiotherapy continue as the pains are slowly marching on! Pains are difficult to diagnose between cancer and arthritis plus her other health issues. Although the cancer is still stable I am seeing a difference in Gillian’s health! Fatigue is growing and mobility is slowing by the end of 2022.
Entering 2023 we have two weddings to attend, one in Cyprus in March and one in Inverness in April. Gillian is determined to be at both, she uses all her strength to get in shape and we get to both. So many people were so pleased to see her and she really enjoyed herself at each venue.
An appointment in April at Oncology we revealed to Dr. Williamson that Gillian is getting head pains also her jaw is painful!
A scan in May has shown a progression in the Cancer in the bones as well as now in Liver and Lungs, how brutal can this disease be! We now have another Oncologist on board, Dr. Eton. He starts Gillian on a different medication Fulvestrant plus Palliative Care will be helping with our needs. Medication is now altering and different painkillers are being used to help control Gillian’s distressing pains.
Through the night the pains are becoming harder to deal with! I see a deterioration in Gillian daily now as we go through July. Watching on I feel helpless as I see her waning.
By late August with pains becoming more excruciating we have discussions with Dr. Eton on what options Gillian has? It is decided to stop all treatments and go down the route off pain control and keeping Gillian as comfortable as possible with the help from Palliative Care and District Nurses. With various amounts of painkillers to help control the pain nothing is keeping
the painful Cancer at bay! It has now gone into her jaw and face, it is so distressing to watch!
Through the nights is very bad, dosage rates are increasing however the Cancer marches on with Gillian becoming more distressed. The medical teams are trying their best to get some sort off pain control but the pain does not stop!!
On the 12th September Gillian is going into St Mary’s Hospice in Ulverston for Pain Control Management as they will be able to give Gillian 24/7 care. We are both happy with this decision.
On arrival we are made welcome to St Mary’s by the medical staff. Gillian is taken to Room 2 and gets settled into bed. The room seems so tranquil and we are at ease as the Medical Team start to go to through the protocol of Gillian’s treatment plan.
Assessments are made and plans are explained very gently to us both. I am certainly happy with the conversations with Doctors and Nurses present so far. They all want to help Gillian as much as possible. Over the next few days certain issues were discussed and the difficult questions are asked and dealt with. Gillian is relaxed and Pain Control Management seems to be working.
During our time in Hospice we had a visit one day from Linda (Bereavement Support), we chatted freely in Room 2 until I was asked if I’d like a private conversation in another room. I took up the offer from Linda and that is where my Bereavement Support started. The conversation was calm and simple with no pressure put on me.
We had an Oncology meeting on 21st September with Dr. Eton to discuss Gillian’s current health, we are told the Cancer prognosis is now measured in weeks to months! We are both aware where the road ahead leads to! Gillian’s care will now be with Hospice at Home, Palliative Care and District Nurses Teams. The Supportive Symptomatic Plan will continue at home once Gillian is discharged from St Mary’s Hospice. Gillian was released from Hospice Care on 28th September feeling a lot better after her treatment.
Once home we both knew the dreadful pains would continue, this didn’t stop Gillian doing whatever she wanted to do for the time she had left. The Support Teams were here for her on a daily basis or whenever needed. Family visited on a rotational plan which helped us both.
As the days rolled on the savage pains got worse and medication dosage altered when necessary, overnight was difficult with little sleep when pains decided to show up! Care Teams were available throughout the night when needed and would visit when I called for help for Gillian.
It’s heartbreaking watching her waning away and the brutality off the pains continue, why oh why is there not a CURE for this type off Cancer I ask myself?
We are in December now and Gillian is poorly, a discussion with Hospice at Home Team that the plan is to get a hospital bed in for downstairs, this will happen on the 13th December. We the family decide to have Gillian’s Christmas presents opened the day before she has to come downstairs. Gillian is aware what is happening , Amanda, Beth, Fergus, Carole and I are with
her upstairs to help her open her presents, we have laughter and fun with her for the last time and that memory will stay with us all.
The bed arrives on the Wednesday morning and Medical Teams prepare Gillian to come downstairs, this she does under her own steam guided by the Medical Team. Gillian is made comfortable and her medication set up to keep her peaceful.
Sadly on Friday 15th December Gillian passes away with family around her. She is now at peace and the savage pains are gone. It was a long battle she fought and fought with dignity in the last ten and a half years. We are all grateful for the wonderful care Gillian received from all Medical Teams.
After Gillian died I was taken aside by the Head Hospice at Home Team Nurse who told me that I was both mentally and physically exhausted due to looking after Gillian all these years and I needed to rest for a long period off time. The instruction I have followed daily and will continue to rest until the end of this year.
I started my Bereavement Support counselling on 31st January 2024 with Linda, a lady I am indebted to for her care and gentle conversation I go through. The process will take time and I will follow Linda’s advice to the letter! Grief I feel is like “THE WAVES OFF THE SEA” that is how I describe the my journey process now.
Finally I will tell you my view of St. Mary’s Hospice. I’d never been in a Hospice until September last year when Gillian my dear wife needed care and treatment. I see the Hospice as the following.
It is a place off FAITH HOPE LOVE. The nursing is unique the patients receive. Rooms are so tranquil. Staff are so caring to everyone. This ends the story which I went through with my late wife Gillian Ogilvie Mackay.
GOD BLESS YOU ALL AT ST. MARY’S HOSPICE