Ricky’s Story
My wife Marie passed away a year ago on October 22nd in the hospice, we had been together over 30 years.
My name is Ricky Shimmin, I’m 53 and work as a manager in BAE systems. We have 3 kids, 2 daughters in law and 3 grandchildren, one aged 6 and the others are twins aged 3. We lived for our close family. We had the grandkids lots of the time while their parents worked, we had sleepovers since they were born, holiday’s away, visited Center Parks with us all. My wife and I were very close, we did most things together and like many others planned for our future together.
My wife Marie was diagnosed with lung cancer in 2015, she had never smoked and lived a fairly healthy lifestyle. She fought the cancer having half her lung removed, undergoing chemotherapy and taking an array of tablets and medication. She had regular medicals starting at 1 month moving to 3 months, then onto 6 monthly intervals and each one said she was doing well and things were looking ok. The medication and chemo had various side effects but she lived with these and we dealt with them.
In January 2020 the year 5 check-up was a major milestone in treatment and was going to be the turning point where the checks could stop and Marie would be classed as cancer free. We were going to book ourselves a celebration meal with the family and go on holiday somewhere when the Covid restriction reduced. On this check-up they had found something on the x-ray. On more intrusive scans they found the cancer had spread to both lungs, hip and back in the bones. She was given a terminal diagnosis of between 6 months and 2 years.
The medication changed to a new drug called Erlotonib. This was working and had reduced the tumours by half. Then we moved into October 2020.
On the 5th Marie was feeling dehydrated and unwell, we went to A&E and she was admitted for a few days to see what was happening and to get rehydrated. She was released on the 7th feeling on top of the world, the best she had for ages, and we thought it was just down to a medication and diet imbalance. While she was there she had an MRI, the results would come through next week!
On Saturday 10th we had a great day, we had family round and we had the twins overnight, we went to bed happy.
Sunday 11th Marie couldn’t get up. I got our son to come around for the boys and let Marie rest for a while. She was holding her head, had a head ache and didn’t want any light, it was hurting her eyes.
I took her to A&E, lots of different doctors come round over a period of 4 hours, and I knew something wasn’t right. I quietly took one of the doctors to the side and asked what the issue was. She said she shouldn’t advise as they weren’t sure and the consultant would need to see us, but under the circumstance she told me the MRI result was in and the cancer was all over the brain, in her view Marie probably wouldn’t be coming home.
She was admitted to Ward 2, the consultant came around and advised it would be days and weeks rather than months. The ward was brilliant and did all it could, under its Covid restrictions, for our family. I told Marie what was happening and what the consultant had said, she could talk and understand even though she was medicated for the pain. Then I told our family and Marie’s parents etc.
There were complications but a bed became available at the hospice on the 16th October.
The 16th October is Marie’s birthday, she arrived at the hospice at 8:30 am. She was given the room by the waterfall. The room was brilliant, meticulously clean with its own bathroom. In the morning Marie was made comfortable, the nurses introduced themselves to us and asked what she wanted and was it ok. They told us what they were doing and was there anything else we needed. Everything was about the patient’s comfort and also that I was ok.
I spoke to the Hospice doctor, ran through all the history and what our wishes were going fwd. The doctor explained everything, answered all my questions, they were obviously well trained in their profession and dealing with people. I felt very re-assured that the decision to come here was right,
They knew it was her birthday and asked if they could do anything for the family.
I asked if Marie’s parents and brothers could visit and say their goodbyes. I knew Covid restrictions were an issue. They advised that as long as PPE was used, they would allow 2 in the room at a time on that day. This was done, they brought cards and flowers and saw her for their last time. Marie knew who was there and was able to speak slowly to them. The Hospice didn’t have an obligation to do this but helped as much as they could.
During this first day we had taken the corner table of the café by the car park for the full day. Family would congregate here for a drink or something to eat and I advised I would pay at the end of the day. This is where I met Claire, the manager, who along with the staff couldn’t be more helpful. They said they could do me something for tea, I just need to order. On the day I forget, they made sure something was left for me. On the second day I asked if I needed to book. Claire advised that that was our table for the whole duration or we could have another somewhere else if we wanted. I asked about her usual customers, she wouldn’t take no for an answer. From this day it was only the immediate family and this “break area” was invaluable for us all to rest and talk during the coming days. Again, all the staff were brilliant.
While family visited I got more advice from the nurses. I asked and was told what would or could happen going forward. I was told I could stay with Marie through the days and nights if I wished, which I did. I was offered a bed, which could be made up or I could stay on the recliner with a blanket. I opted for the latter being next to Marie all night. They had shower facilities and I had use of the bathroom.
I noticed the respect and attention Marie was given by the whole Hospice care team. When they come in to check she was ok, I would leave the room for 10 minutes so I didn’t get in the way. I heard them talk with Marie and asked what she wanted, they would change her pyjamas, wash, her brush her hair, make sure she was comfortable and felt presentable. Medication and the syringe driver were checked and altered if needed. When other staff took over for a different shift, they knew everything so the handovers were well managed and professional.
The next few days was just immediate family with us just taking it in turns to be with their mam during the day and I would stay at night. When Marie had some pain the nurses and doctors would come straight away, assess and strengthen the medication in the driver. For the first 3 or 4 days she was responsive and could talk briefly, acknowledging who was there or telling them she loved them. Then the strength of the drugs took over and she was in a coma like state. I knew this was coming because of the advice I had received from the doctor. I had already, on the first day, given my approval to treat Marie in the best way to make her comfortable based on their expertise and experience.
In the night I stayed, I didn’t sleep well because of what was happening. The nurse would put her head round constantly though the night to see we were ok; she was quiet and tried not to be noticed. If I went out to stretch my legs I was offered a coffee and a chat unless they were seeing to someone else.
The person in the next room was going through extreme pain with his condition, I could hear them trying to calm him, treat him and make him comfortable. They talked to him like he was a friend complimenting his behaviours with their own. This was very skilful and seemed to help ease him.
On the 2nd or 3rd day I met Donna from the bereavement support team. I was sat at “the table” and she came over and introduced herself. She knew what was happening and wanted to meet us all and offer any support from the team we needed or may need in the future. She was informative and left us a booklet and phone numbers to contact. I didn’t think I’d need anything but it was good to know this support was there.
I also met Kate, who manages the nurse team. She was new to the hospice and had taken on this challenging role moving from a different area. I happened to stand outside her room and she came and introduced herself, even though she seemed extremely busy. She asked if we were happy with everything at the hospice which we were. I spoke to her a few times and was amazed at the variation in her role. Finding staff during Covid, rotas, dealing with people issues, being an expert nurse, helping and advising when needed, dealing with families, managing cleanliness, etc. etc.
Marie passed away, peacefully, at 2:20am on the 22nd October. I was lying next to her with my hand on her shoulder when her very faint breathing stopped. I sat with her a few minutes, the nurse’s head had popped around the curtain and she knew straight away, she asked if I was ok and if I needed anything. I went outside the room for a little while and phoned our kids to tell them. They were allowed to come up to see her. They had already said their goodbyes the last few nights as we knew it was close.
When I went back into the room, Helen, the nurse on nights and her team has changed the bed with a nice cover, had cleaned Marie and brushed her hair. She would have been happy as she always was presentable. She was propped up with her arms by her side. I put flowers in one hand and a family picture in the other. This is how our kids saw her.
When everyone had gone, Helen ran me through what would happen now, gave me various pieces of information which I could read later and said to come and talk if there was anything I wanted. Her mannerism and comforting words were brilliant and helped at the worst time.
I left and came back later in the morning to collect Marie’s things, the room could then be free for someone else. I said thankyou to the team who were there and wrote a thankyou note on Kate’s notice board to everyone who had helped us.
From being ok on Saturday the 10th, having the family around and not knowing how serious her condition was with the cancer in the brain, I was thankful Marie had passed on the 22nd and wasn’t in pain for too long. This was achieved by the excellent professional care she received. My family felt the same and my daughter’s birthday was the next day, the 23rd. She obviously didn’t want any celebration but had the strength to create her birthday fundraising page for the Hospice.
We then entered the post bereavement time. Our family was looking after itself, we had to tell the grandkids, sort the funeral, keep the family going with Halloween, Christmas, sorting paperwork and bills, letters etc. Everything was sad, but busy until after the New Year.
In January the grief hit me. All the practical things had been sorted. I had spent the last few months helping everyone else, holding emotions in and blocking things out. I haven’t dealt with grief before.
January I began to have time. I feel that January and Feb were when I was at my lowest.
I felt the need to get away, was emotional. I looked at pictures and felt guilty that I hadn’t noticed Marie’s appearance changed over the year. I was now living alone – long silent times in the house. And many other things
I remembered Donna on the Bereavement Support team at the Hospice and gave her a ring. She arranged a meeting straight away. She said she thought I would ring when I was ready.
Our first meeting, I didn’t know what to expect. I am not used to asking for help, I’m used to giving it and I’ve always sorted everything out for everyone. Donna was easy to talk to, she said she was most worried about me more so than the others because of my behavioural traits. I then realised that our introduction was more than a “hello we are here to help”, it was also an initial small psychological evaluation in case anything was needed in the future. I thought this was very clever as I hadn’t noticed and I deal with different behaviours a lot.
I decided the best thing for me to do was to be totally open and honest with her and go through everything. I give this advice to others at work so I should do it myself.
My personal problem is mainly based on everything goes through a process, has timescales and is black and white. Grief doesn’t follow these rules and throws my understanding and control all over the place. So, I have been through everything with Donna. The worst part was thinking I would be better off with Marie, there’s nothing to stay for, and the kids will be well provided for. I wasn’t thinking any further than this, it was just in my head.
We talked though lots of different thoughts and feelings. Having someone who has dealt with hundreds of people in my situation, who uses their vast experience to convince me that it’s normal to think these things as most people do in my situation and to constantly let you know you are doing well and things will get easier has helped me enormously. I can’t thank her enough.
The fundraising team, as well as raising funds for the hospice, have helped give me something to keep me going and be active. In March, I saw people were doing 9000 steps a day for the charity, I discussed this to Donna in one of our conversations. She said walking is a good way to clear your head sometimes, so I signed up. It gave me a purpose instead of just moping around feeling sorry for myself and helped make me begin to feel better. I completed this and saw someone else doing 1 million steps over 3 months so I did this and then decided to keep going and sign up for the London marathon, which I just completed. As well as getting fitter and losing weight it has introduced me to a way I can look after myself, get a new interest and help others. It has complimented the support I have received form Donna and the Bereavement support team.
Clare’s team in the café we visit every month. I like coming back to the place where we spent our last days. I bring my granddaughter who they spoil. She loves to have a cake and pop, walking around the garden to Nanny’s tree (just a tree she’s picked in the garden), near the room Marie was in. Then she likes to find Nanny’s memory leaves on the tree by the door.
The hospice has been amazing for our family. The team cared for Marie professionally, with dignity, respect, care and compassion. They looked after and out for all of us when we needed it. I have been asked if there is anything I would improve or change and I can’t find anything.
We all are very thankful for the initial and continuous support we receive.
We now aim to support the hospice to help others like it has helped us. We aim to raise funds each year through some kind of sponsorship event. We have so far had a head and hair shave, done a birthday fundraiser, completed Scafell at night and the London Marathon raising 6 to 7 thousand pounds.
I am also trying to be open about receiving counselling and help from people which may help others be more open to it. If you knew me through work and life, I would be probably one of the last people you’d expect to need it.
Thank You